Tonight Chris and I decided to tell my mom about the pregnancy and it didn't go quite as well as we had hoped. It was a very very long busy day at the restaurant and Chris and I were both exhausted and the last thing I really wanted to do was go to her place and talk when all I wanted to do was go home and relax. But there was no more procrastinating, and no matter when we tell her, her reaction would have been the same.
In any case, she essentially called me a loser. She acted like she gave us the restaurant out of the kindness of her heart and to give us an opportunity when she could have given it to someone else which is a complete lie. We never asked to do the restaurant, but she wasn't getting any solid offers and she needed someone to open the place. So of course, like the usual dupe that I am I tried to help her. I wont even get into the details of the restaurant thing, but basically the woman's reaction to the news was very negative. And she had to go the extra mile to insult us on top of it. I'm tired of this woman bullying me all my life, I tried to tell her that I was happy about it and excited. I wanted her to see that this may not have been intentional but it was a blessing to us. But instead she called me a burden, a 32 year-old fuck up.
So anyways, to say the least, she is not looking forward to a new baby in the family. And that's really a shame because I think having a new baby in the family is supposed to be exciting and happy. It's really kind of fucked up how so far it's only been the strangers that I've told that have been happy and excited at the news. I really wish this could have been a joyous moment.
I don't know how many more times I can let this woman hurt me me before I really lose myself. I hate being obligated to her, indentured to her, at her mercy and whim. I get suckered in by her promises and the pretty picture she paints and sometimes outright guilt trips, and the moment something doesn't go her way, or she gets frustrated about something, you have to protect your neck. The worse thing you can do is to do business with her, because once that happens you are no longer family.
All this is why she had estranged herself from all of her siblings and other family. In fact, I don't know anyone on her side of the family besides me, Paula, my nieces, and stepfather that have anything to do with her. She really is a cruel person and quite frankly, doesn't deserve to be a part of a happy family. At least, she won't be included in mine. I know for a fact that as long as she is in it, my life will never be carefree or happy. I really can't allow that to happen once my baby is here. I wouldn't be able to forgive her, much less myself, for exposing my kid to that kind of loveless tyranny. I refuse to let a single molecule of her negativity influence the life of my child. I swear to god and the whole world if she ever says or does something to hurt my kid, I will grab her by the hair, yank her to the ground and kick her teeth in, I don't care if she's 80 years old. It's better to not even let that opportunity arise and instead just stay away from her. Which is exactly what I have been planning to do, in anticipation of her predictable reaction.
I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt. You know, I keep hoping that she'll treat me like a mother who loves her daughter unconditionally. Every time, she proves that all she cares about is money, success and prestige. I'll never be good enough for her in any way shape or form, so there really is no point in being her daughter, is there? Instead of beating myself up over it, I really just need to accept it and move on with my life. I don't know why I keep hanging around, trying to be who she wants me to be. At the very least though, I can thank her for showing me how NOT to raise a child. I think that's as valuable a lesson as any life lesson. I just hope I can catch myself if I see her ugly head rearing in my parenting style.
I'm now thoroughly exhausted, emotionally and physically. And it's just the tip of the iceberg, and I really don't like to complain too much (nobody cares to hear it anyways). I have to look out for myself now, and nobody else.
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