Texas, finally!

Well, it's been a few days since we got into Texas and this is the first time I've really had a chance to get online. It was very scary when we got onto the road leaving Atlanta with my 1997 Mazda MPV Sport loaded down and hitched to a 5 x 8 u-haul trailer. We did do one smart thing: we got a nice, custom trailer hitch for the Mazda. What we messed up on was taking the chance that the old cruddy tires on the Mazda would take us 1,000 miles hauling probably about 5,000 lbs. It was a little nerve wracking to say the least, when I pulled out onto the road and it felt like the car just didn't have the strength to go. But it did. We were so tense leaving Atlanta, I honestly didn't think we were gonna make it. I expected to get into a huge wreck and be stranded in the middle of nowhere. I had a death grip on the wheel the entire way to Texas, so my whole body was just tense as a bowstring.

We thought we were home-free when we stopped in Montgomery, Alabama. It was our first planned long rest stop, which we rested for a good 20 minutes before we got too anxious to wait any longer. I couldn't drive the Mazda any faster than 60 mph, had to put it down a gear just to make it up a hill at 45 mph. Then, just when we started to relax a little with a little hope that we might actually make it, the rear passenger tire gave out with a bang and I had to pull over to the side of I-65, about 30 miles south of Montgomery.

I have a AAA Plus membership (Auto Club South) that didn't really do us much good. They could tow us, but they couldn't take us to anyplace that was open and could fix our tire. They also couldn't bring us a tire and fix it for us either. They couldn't tow our trailer (which Chris was not about to leave on the side of the interstate), so they were pretty much useless to our situation. Luckily, the AAA customer service girl looked up a local tire service shop in Montgomery that could come out and fix our tire, but they weren't covered by AAA so it would be entirely out of pocket. We had no choice. I called up Black's Tire Service and they came out in about an hour with two new back tires for us. The guys that came out were pretty backwoods, but they got the job done and we were grateful. And now broke.

Other than that, we made it to San Antonio with just a drop of gas left in our tank and throughly exhausted. But we made it, and we were finally happy and relieved. Even though I am still exhausted 3 days later, I feel like a new person and I am so much happier! We are staying with my brother-in-law until we find a place and it's been nice getting here while my nieces are here visiting their father. We spent last night at Chris's sisters house in Boerne and it was very nice to see how happy Chris was to see his family again after a year of being away. His nieces were excited about meeting Bibi and the cat, which we left the cat with them. We also visited with Chris's mom, who was happy to see her son and me again. It was all a very nice welcome home!

I don't really have a lot of time and access to the internet at the moment so I wont be blogging very much for the time being so the posts may get a little sparse, but I will update as much as I can.

About the pregnancy; hopefully I didn't permanently screw up my kid from all the caffeine I consumed on the way here, but it sure is growing cause I am getting FAT!!!

Super Hectic last days

Just got home from doing a ton of last minute stuff around town. We are so exhausted but I am soooo happy I got to see my friends Liz, Crispin & Millie and my sister one last time before we left. Liz cooked us a full gourmet meal of baked chicken, salad, buttery garlicky mussels, sourdough bread and an ice cream cake to celebrate Crispin's birthday. Oh, and 4 whole heads of roasted elephant garlic to smear on everything!! It was a fabulous meal, and I am so glad we got to share it. She also let me make rice crispy treats and bake cookies in her kitchen for our road trip to Texas.

I had my phone interview with Texas Medicaid and the very friendly gentleman said i was all signed up and ready to go with my benefits going active on July 1st. Yippee!! Being pro-active really pays off, and it's a survival necessity in this day and age. The only problem is, he needs copies of my birth certificate (which I don't have), my Social Security card (which I don't have), my Georgia Medicaid termination letter (which I don't have - yet), and my pregnancy verification form (which I actually have!!). So we went downtown to the Health Dept. to get my birth certificate right before they closed and of course it wasn't that easy. She had my certificate in her hand but wouldn't give it to me because my last name changed from my stepfather's surname to my mother's surname. Which only made me angrier at my mom for wanting me to have her surname after I graduated from college. Oh yes, up until I proved myself it was OK for me to have his last name, but she's got to cash in on some of that prestige once I became an "architect".

So that's gonna be a hassle. But I can handle it, hopefully.

I felt fat and ugly all day, Its because I've barely had time to wash my face today after all the packing, loading and running errands. It was nice to take a break and hang out in the middle of it all, though. I am really gonna miss my friends and my sister.

My mom took a quick dig at me when Chris stopped in to get some cash from her so we could pay for gas and a birth certificate. She said something like she couldn't believe her daughter was on welfare. Which I'm not. It's insurance. Whatever, she can take all the digs she wants it wont affect me anymore.

So.. tomorrow we head out. Hopefully the earlier the better. I have to go to the WIC office and do a few last minute things and clean. Then it's off to Texas with the Beep, Meow, Papa & Me.

I can see the future...and it shall be.

I spend a lot of time visualizing. In fact, I had it down to an art at a very very early age, due to lack of stimulation, boredom and just plain depression. I used to visualize all kind of crazy stuff, from being a rock-star to a ninja assassin, a bakery owner to a super-rich celebrity. I would dream up fantasies in my head and escape the real world and it was comforting. Most of the time though, I visualize just a regular happy life. Mundane details that make me happy and feel secure. Like being able to have a routine. Any kind of routine would be nice, but in order to have one and really keep it, your life has to have some kind of predictability in it, and mine almost never has. It's quite tiring.

So now that I'm essentially turning over a new leaf, I am going to resolve to form healthy routines. It's going to be my new path to stability and having a functional life. I also think it's incredibly important to establish routines for my kid, too. It's a form of comfort and security, something that I never really had and knowing the value of it now, will provide to my kid as a #1 priority.

First off, a routine that facilitates a healthy life. I'm going to take Bibi for a 15 minute walk every morning, wearing my toning sneakers and listening to whatever kind of relaxing music I feel like listening to that day. I love the Gayatri Mantra but sometimes it's so powerful I get too emotional and I can't have some kind of emotional release while I'm trying to walk the dog. So maybe just some Bach or Mozart. I also really need to get a handle on my vitamins. Ugh I hate them but it's not an option anymore, they are a requirement. I am also going to join the YMCA or a gym so I can go swimming and maybe take an exercise class now and then.

Secondly, I need to really work on doing something I enjoy on a regular basis. I haven't been able to keep a hobby in a long time. I love pottery but it's expensive. Gardening is too time consuming and can get expensive, too. I think I am going to plunge myself into sewing, because I have a machine, a collection of patterns, and a bunch of fabric that I've just been hauling around just in case one day I have the time and inclination to sew. Besides, I have baby stuff to make now!

Thirdly, and this is gonna be tough cause I'm super lazy, but I need to really pamper myself with a beauty regimen, too. There are women out there who get their hair and nails done on a weekly basis and I barely wash my face on a regular basis. I'm going to really try to take care of my skin, hair and nails better, so I can look good and feel better about myself.

Once the baby gets here, I will have no choice but to establish a feeding/sleeping schedule. I'm not going to force one, but I think it's important to foster good habits like breakfast in the morning, walks regularly and bedtime.

So that's what I'm going to aim for, security, comfort & stability with routines. I'll do more research on this subject, too of course! I love the internet & books!

I hate you, milk!

So yesterday morning I decided to have a bowl of lactose-free milk with Kix cereal (all from WIC) and have regretted it ever since. Now, I can't substantially blame it ALL on the milk, but I'm pretty damn sure it's the main culprit for my upset stomach, gas and diarrhea for the past 24 non-stop hours. I also get sick like this when I'm stressed out, like on a deadline for a project (which I haven't had in over 2 years now). I haven't been able to sleep at night, mostly just from the anticipation of everything going on. I think and plan and write lists in my head while Chris sleeps peacefully all night and spends the day playing games on the computer. Grrr. It must be nice to be a man.

Bibi was in a lot of pain for a few days and could barely walk. I think her pain was from stress too, which stressed me out even more. Thankfully she seems better since yesterday. I just want to get everything done and over with. Playing the waiting game is driving me nuts, but now that a few things have come together, I have a pretty solid plan that will land us in San Antonio by next Wednesday.

Today we will get the tow hitch installed on the Mazda, which we picked up from the shop in Commerce yesterday. It seems to be running OK, but the van needs some serious TLC asap. Hopefully we wont kill it on the way to Texas, hauling a 5'x8' trailer. The tow hitch is going to be expensive, but we are looking at it as an investment for future moves. I will also have to reserve our U-haul trailer online today. I'll also have to sneak downstairs to my mom's place while she isn't there to print out a few things on her printer and email myself a bunch of CAD files that I worked on. Lastly, we have a bunch of stuff to sell on Craigslist, and hopefully it will sell cause we really really need that cash.

Then tomorrow and Sunday I have to see about getting auto insurance for the Mazda and a new checking account with USAA in Texas. I will clean out both the Mazda and the Blazer and hopefully Chris will volunteer (yeah right) to do a check-up on the Mazda and see if he can spot any potential issues with the car. I also have to finish packing and get rid of all the stuff we are throwing away and/or giving to Goodwill.

On Monday we will pick up our U-Haul trailer and pack it. I have to go to the bank and close the checking account and return all the keys that I will no longer need to my mom. Then I will bake cookies and rice crispy treats for the ride to Texas on Tuesday.

Tuesday morning I will likely end up spending hours in the WIC office, getting the paperwork to transfer my vouchers to Texas. Hopefully they will let me get something other than damned milk. I ought to drink some milk before I go in and gas the place so they'll know I'm not kidding when I say milk makes me sick, you assholes.

It will take us approximately 16-18 hours to get to San Antonio, and around 5-7 gas fill-ups. I kind of want to leave late in the evening when there's little traffic and it's cooler but it all depends on my physical state on Tuesday. I may come home from the WIC office and take a nice long nap (if my mind/body will allow it) and then leave Atlanta before rush hour traffic hits. So about 4 pm. Or maybe after rush hour traffic, around 7 pm. Which would land us in San Ant around 1 in the afternoon. I have made this drive before and let me tell you, I will not be a cheerful person when we arrive. Of course, I wont be driving towards people who stress me out, like I did when I drove from Texas to Atlanta exactly a year ago with Chris. Maybe I will be in a good mood when I get there, but undoubtedly exhausted.

WIC is a joke.

I had my WIC appointment today, finally. I scheduled it over a month ago. I honestly don't think I would have bothered getting WIC at all if I knew beforehand that all I would be getting was milk. I'm lactose intolerant so that doesn't really help me much.

I'm also drastically low on iron, which I sort of knew would be the case because I'm horrible at remembering when and what vitamins to take with or without food however many times a day. I think I need to hire an assistant to help me manage my vitamin regimen.

I went over to Liz's after the 4 hour long WIC appointment and scored yet more free stuff for the dog (hers recently passed away) and some work clothes for Chris. I also got a cute pink maternity top. We went to Trader's joes and I got these AMAZING freeze dried mango slices which are fantastic. I remember when I thought Trader Joes was cheap! We reminisced about how we used to spend money like it was water, going out for sushi 3-5 times a week, shopping at the organic grocery stores and going out to the movies like every weekend. Now I'm reduced to WIC approved foods, canned tuna, the clearance and sale aisle at Kroger and $3 pirated movies from the guy on the street. It's amazing how one's life can change in just a few short years. I wish I could blame someone for it and beat the shit out of them.

My appetite has dwindled considerably. I don't really have cravings anymore and I can't tell if it's just hormonal or because of being at the cafe and eating that stuff all the time. My body is tired of eating. Now I just want fresh fruits and vegetables and water. Which is great. I might even start exercising. Liz suggested that I go for a walk with headphones and listen to relaxing music to reduce my stress. I think it's a good idea. I want to get myself a pair of those Reebok shoes that work your butt out while you walk. I desperately need a butt.

The baby (according to my weekly newsletter) is now the size of a plum, and has fully developed ears and can hear me talking and singing. You know what Chris says to that little tidbit? "Great, I bet he's in there holding his ears shut, tired of listening to you bitch". I have a feeling that I will end up nagging Chris more than I ever will the kid. Chris has a lot of growing up to do, he's like a 12 year old in a man's body sometimes. I wish he would just do stuff without me asking/telling him to do it, but noooo... I have to nag first. He's gotten a lot better, though so it's just going to take patience on my part. I like to think of it as a team effort.

I was up last night at about 1:20 am and couldn't sleep so up until 4:30 am I surfed the internet and applied for Medicaid in Texas, applied to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist (which is becoming apparent that it's pointless cause nobody replies and half of them end up being scams to get your info), looked for an apartment (another attempt in futility), searched for midwives in San Ant, and did a lot of stumbling. At least I got one thing accomplished: I applied for Medicaid in Texas.

I'm pooped. I painted my toes and fingernails a very girly bright pink and I think I am going to eat a bunch of strawberries in bed. I feel sooo spoiled!

Muahahahahahaha!

I really shouldn't be enjoying watching the demise of Cafe O, but I can't help it. It's like not being able to rip your eyes away from a train wreck. That doesn't mean I don't feel any remorse, guilt and pity at the whole situation because I do. I'm just not going to let it be the overwhelming majority of my emotions because I just don't owe that to anyone anymore.

So my mother decided to open the cafe all by herself on Monday, which I knew she would do. She likes to try and prove to people how so easy things are that she can do it all by herself. Except she was utterly failing at running the restaurant, and in my honest opinion, will continue to run the cafe into the ground with each passing day.

It started off with her not knowing how to use the cash register, which let me tell you, was a BITCH to figure out for me and Chris in the first place. If you want to stress yourself the fuck out, go read a cash register manual. I had to program that sonofabitch and then teach myself how to use it correctly. Of course, she doesn't have the patience or ability to do that, so she just wanted to be shown how to work it. I wrote her a quick one-page tutorial and emailed it to her! hahahaha!

Chris, being the good-hearted man that he is, went over to help out a little bit and it was obvious she really wanted him to stay and help her out. Which he did, to my annoyance. But I can't blame him, he's not as fed up with her as I am and he's a nice guy. He had to show her how to make everything, even though it's pretty damn simple and self-explanatory AND we had to figure it all out from scratch ourselves. Do you think I knew how to turn on, much less USE a commercial deep fryer? Hell No! I almost blew myself up trying to work the damn thing. Oh, and I bet she's really enjoying having to use a prep table that's broken and having to run back and forth to get cold items out of the fridge to prepare it for the customer while they wait.

At one point I was asked how many strawberries go into a smoothie and what is on a greek salad. I could just picture her there, trying to do all this with the customers that we have to deal with (not exactly the politest people sometimes) watching and waiting. Chris told me that many of our regulars walked out. I know she's lost a good bit of our clientele because A) She was out of a lot of food because we didn't have the money to re-stock. and B) We actually made friends with our repeat customers and they LIKED us. C) We know what they like, how they like it, and much of the time, will actually hand-deliver it to them if they are busy and need to get back to their shop. I know my mother can't handle any of that.

Then this is the kicker. This is why I see all this happening and actually feel kind of smug deep down inside my heart. Because I actually worked hard to get this place up and running, and not only that but SUCCESSFULLY, with hardly any money at all. It took a lot of creativity, thought and planning and stress to pull off the kind of restaurant we had. I planned the shit out of that menu. And the whole time, all my mom did was criticize and tell me how I had to put whatever the customer wants on the menu if I want to be successful. I had to do whatever it took to please them to build a clientele, and that was how to be a business owner. She liked to say, "Welcome to the Business world" like I just didn't know what the hell I was doing. Which, for the most part, I didn't. I had to learn as I went, the hard way. NO HELP. At the same time, she would tell me how I had to manage my business so that I would attract the right people, bring decent people with money into the ghetto so the place would improve. A little bit contradictory from the whole "please everyone no matter what it takes" philosophy, isn't it? I pretty much stuck to my guns, kept my menu the way it was, with some small changes to reflect what people were liking. Basically, it boiled down to, she wanted me to serve fried rice. Almost every time she came in, she would tell me to put fried rice on the menu. I was absolutely dead set against it. Why? Because you can get fried rice at about 15 different greasy chinese takeout restaurants within a 3 block radius of my cafe. Because that's what the crackheads come in and ask for, at least one crackhead per day comes in there, looks at my menu and asks me, "you got scrimp fried rice?"

If I were to put fried rice on my menu, 2 things would surely happen. 1.) I would be attracting all the kinds of people that I wasn't supposed to be attracting. namely, the ghetto crackheads that only eat wings and rice. 2.) Next thing they would ask for is egg rolls and Mongolian beef and broccoli chicken to go along with their scrimp fried rice and within a month the cafe would turn into yet another greasy Chinese takeout restaurant in the ghetto. Which is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I was trying to accomplish with the cafe. It's fundamentally ANTI-Chinese food.

So what does Chris tell me when he gets back from helping out my mom at the cafe? That she's getting set up to serve fried rice. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Good fucking luck with that, Mother! Ms. successful business woman of the fucking ghetto. I HOPE she starts serving fried rice, because the downward spiral that will happen really quickly after that will serve the bitch right. It will be my revenge, and her own self-fulfilling prophecy. I can just smell the caked-on grease now. Speaking of caked-on grease, you have no idea how hard it is to remove 6 years of Chinese takeout restaurant grease from every surface, equipment, and utensil from the restaurant. We know, because we had to do it! I hope she buys herself a wok and becomes a slave to it. MAYBE then, just maybe, she will think to herself, "wow, Heather and Chris we actually doing a good job by themselves". Cause we did. Chris and I were doing an excellent job running that place, just the two of us. We made a great menu that everyone (minus the crackheads) absolutely LOVED. That's why we saw the same people come in every single day, sometimes several times a day.

I intentionally created a menu that nobody else in the neighborhood had, and that's what made us popular. We had absolutely NO BUDGET for advertising, but the word of mouth spread like fire and we were getting people in from across town that had heard about us. Now all of that is going to go down the drain, and the people I feel bad for is our customers, who were so happy to see something new and fresh finally in the ghetto. I know I let them down, but I made my choice and I don't regret it one bit. I know now what I am capable of, and that's all I need. The proof was in the pudding in this case and I actually didn't need my mom's appraisal to feel like I did a good job. What's happening now is the best proof of what a good job I did that I need, and that's why the demise of the cafe makes me feel like the cat that swallowed the canary. Guilty, but deeply satisfied.

eating chocolate in bed!

I had been upset for several days so my face is all puffy but it's nothing that a little bit of chocolate and a sweet boyfriend can't fix!

gettin' $#*! done

As I get older, I seem to be able to cope with stress a lot less than before. But I still surprise myself when the going gets tough, that I manage to squeak by. Today was very productive as I got most of my stuff packed up (I'm a little OCD when it comes to packing, I have to clean and organize it before I pack it away, which is driving Chris insane..). I also just for the hell of it, posted a few things we wouldn't be able to take on Craigslist to see if they would sell. And they did! All in one day, too! I sold our chickens, the exercise bike/rower, and my iron patio set. I sold the patio set for way too cheap I think, but oh well, it had to go. So I ended up making a few extra hundred dollars to help us move. Now all we need is the $500 my mother owes to Chris for the trim work he did at the theater and we will have all the money we are going to get out of this place. Which ain't much but I am scraping together every cent I can get my hands on.

I also spruced up my resume and sent it out to a couple of job listings I found on San Antonio's Craigslist. I preemptively printed a few copies out so I can have them in hand when we get there. Chris and I were in pretty good spirits as we cleaned, packed, and made money all in one day. Tomorrow is going to be an entirely different story. It'll be Monday and the Cafe O will not be open. Instead, I am going to drop off a few boxes that we can't take with us at my sister's house for temporary storage. I am also going to try and get my Mazda back because the Chevy Blazer sucks so bad, I can't take it anymore. There's no way I could drive around in Texas with that kind of heat in the car (the Blazer's A/C is broken and there is no heat shield between the floorboard and engine). Not to mention, I can't have a baby sitting in that kind of sweltering heat, either. This is why Japanese excel more than American cars, they are just engineered better. I hate to say it, too.

This is going to be one hell of a week. But we will make it through and hopefully be in Texas before the week is over.

Our next move

Chris and I decided to move back to Texas finally. It's something we had planned before but like always ended up getting entangled in one after the other of my mom's projects. Well, this time we decided, screw her and her needs and wants and let's just go live our own lives where we may still be poor (I can't imagine being any poorer than we are now, honestly) but at least we'll be happy.

So yeah...moving to Boerne, Texas. Well, San Antonio at first. I'm going to try to find myself a quick little job doing retail or waitress or something along those lines before I start looking really pregnant and can't get a job at all. Chris has accumulated a mass of new tools so he will hopefully be able to do more work in Texas. We are going to spend our last dime to make it there. Literally.

Besides the obvious stress of moving, I'm very happy. I feel super relieved. It's gonna be tough and we are going to be screwing my mom over with the cafe, but honestly - it's an eye for an eye. If we were such a burden to her, she should be happy about us leaving. The cafe can be her new burden.

The pain in the ass part for us is getting new health insurance and a midwife for me. I will basically have to start over with the whole Medicaid process. It's too bad cause I liked the midwife I had here. I'm also not looking forward to the Texas heat... my first task will be to find a pool to go to. I need the vitamin D pretty bad anyways.

The good news I have is that I got to see my very dear friend Liz (who is moving to China, of all places) this afternoon for coffee. Liz is such a good friend, she's been there for me through some tough shit. I am like the vagabond friend who's always roaming from one bad situation to another. So this is like the same old same old with me. But anyways, she gave me a ton of baby stuff!!! A bunch of cute maternity clothes, a breast pump, baby monitor, baby play things, maternity bras, a bed bumper, and a pack and play crib! I feel like I won a contest or something. Honestly, I can't be luckier or more thankful to have such a generous friend, and I am going to miss her and her daughter so very much. I've known this chick since we were in remedial math class (Basic Math 100) together in architecture school. Back then, it seemed like becoming an architect was such an improbability we would laugh about it. Especially since we were in remedial math and still sucking at it! It really is a bleepin' miracle we both graduated with Master's degrees. Honestly, she is way more brilliant at it than I am.

By the way, Chris had lost his cell phone several days ago and found it in one of his dirty pants in the closet today so if you've been trying to call him and weren't getting through, it should work now. I think his mind is much more at ease now too since we have both decided to move. I know I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my chest. We both know it ain't gonna be easy for a while but we are confident that we are making the right choice for us and the baby. Texas, here we come!

Oh, and little Waylon (Chris wants to add Jennings to his middle name so he can call him J.T.) only really needs one grandma who I'm sure will love him way more than the one here in Atlanta.

Not so happy news

Tonight Chris and I decided to tell my mom about the pregnancy and it didn't go quite as well as we had hoped. It was a very very long busy day at the restaurant and Chris and I were both exhausted and the last thing I really wanted to do was go to her place and talk when all I wanted to do was go home and relax. But there was no more procrastinating, and no matter when we tell her, her reaction would have been the same.

In any case, she essentially called me a loser. She acted like she gave us the restaurant out of the kindness of her heart and to give us an opportunity when she could have given it to someone else which is a complete lie. We never asked to do the restaurant, but she wasn't getting any solid offers and she needed someone to open the place. So of course, like the usual dupe that I am I tried to help her. I wont even get into the details of the restaurant thing, but basically the woman's reaction to the news was very negative. And she had to go the extra mile to insult us on top of it. I'm tired of this woman bullying me all my life, I tried to tell her that I was happy about it and excited. I wanted her to see that this may not have been intentional but it was a blessing to us. But instead she called me a burden, a 32 year-old fuck up.

So anyways, to say the least, she is not looking forward to a new baby in the family. And that's really a shame because I think having a new baby in the family is supposed to be exciting and happy. It's really kind of fucked up how so far it's only been the strangers that I've told that have been happy and excited at the news. I really wish this could have been a joyous moment.

I don't know how many more times I can let this woman hurt me me before I really lose myself. I hate being obligated to her, indentured to her, at her mercy and whim. I get suckered in by her promises and the pretty picture she paints and sometimes outright guilt trips, and the moment something doesn't go her way, or she gets frustrated about something, you have to protect your neck. The worse thing you can do is to do business with her, because once that happens you are no longer family.

All this is why she had estranged herself from all of her siblings and other family. In fact, I don't know anyone on her side of the family besides me, Paula, my nieces, and stepfather that have anything to do with her. She really is a cruel person and quite frankly, doesn't deserve to be a part of a happy family. At least, she won't be included in mine. I know for a fact that as long as she is in it, my life will never be carefree or happy. I really can't allow that to happen once my baby is here. I wouldn't be able to forgive her, much less myself, for exposing my kid to that kind of loveless tyranny. I refuse to let a single molecule of her negativity influence the life of my child. I swear to god and the whole world if she ever says or does something to hurt my kid, I will grab her by the hair, yank her to the ground and kick her teeth in, I don't care if she's 80 years old. It's better to not even let that opportunity arise and instead just stay away from her. Which is exactly what I have been planning to do, in anticipation of her predictable reaction.

I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt. You know, I keep hoping that she'll treat me like a mother who loves her daughter unconditionally. Every time, she proves that all she cares about is money, success and prestige. I'll never be good enough for her in any way shape or form, so there really is no point in being her daughter, is there? Instead of beating myself up over it, I really just need to accept it and move on with my life. I don't know why I keep hanging around, trying to be who she wants me to be. At the very least though, I can thank her for showing me how NOT to raise a child. I think that's as valuable a lesson as any life lesson. I just hope I can catch myself if I see her ugly head rearing in my parenting style.

I'm now thoroughly exhausted, emotionally and physically. And it's just the tip of the iceberg, and I really don't like to complain too much (nobody cares to hear it anyways). I have to look out for myself now, and nobody else.

1st Prenatal appointment was exciting!

This morning Chris and I head to the midwife's practice for our first prenatal appointment. It was a bit busy in the office so we were waiting for about half an hour before I got to see the midwife. In the waiting room, there were 5 or 6 other pregnant women. One lady was so pregnant her stomach literally looked like a beach ball and her shirt just hung like a curtain in front of her belly. I realized at that moment that I will be like that soon and I had a feeling of desperate fear wash over me for a second. Chris saw the look on my face and laughed at me!

But revenge was soon to be mine! The nurse called us back to the exam room and there we met a very nice lady named Margaret who's been a midwife in Atlanta since 1978. She asked me a bunch of family history questions and then asked me to put on a gown so she could give me a pelvic exam and pap smear. Chris wanted to leave the room at this point but I made him stay while she put my legs in stirrups and shined a spotlight right onto my lady parts. If you think this made me uncomfortable, poor Chris was squirming in his seat, trying to look everywhere else but at me. At one point I saw him looking down at the floor and whistling to himself. It was great, I got a nice chuckle out of his awkwardness. He was as nervous as a kid in the principal's office.

So once that part of the exam was over, Margaret got the Dopplar radar out to listen to the baby's heartbeat. The gel she put on the radar wand was really really cold and when she first put it on me, it tickled so bad I got into a giggling fit, which made the radar scratch like a broken record. I almost couldn't stop laughing, but then after a minute my laughter turned into tears cause I was realizing so many things at once. First of all, I was actually going to hear the baby's heartbeat, which made the whole situation so very real. Secondly, I was just plain happy I was going to have a baby and that was a bit overwhelming. Then, after it took a few minutes of her searching, I got scared that she wouldn't find a heartbeat and I had to close my eyes shut and try real hard not to cry. I saw a worried look on Chris's face for a moment, but then there it was...a really tiny but fast heartbeat. I must have been grinning from ear to ear. The first thing the midwife said was "Sounds like a boy!" which made us grin even bigger.

So yeah, that whole experience was pretty amazing. Even though I don't have a recording of the heartbeat, I don't think I'll ever forget the way it sounded.