this blog is being decommissioned.

I never really liked it in the first place. I'm not a frilly girly person who thinks everyone gives a shit about me and what's going on in my life. I made this blog for friends & family to keep updated and in touch with but that was a pipe dream as well. Well, except for one particular buddy who reminded me that she in fact, DOES give a shit. LOL. Anyways, yeah this blog was bland and really watered down and just plain not me so it's going bye-bye. For those of you who did check in and read it, thank you. I appreciate your genuine interest.

I have been keeping a pregnancy journal that I write in pretty often, and I may transfer it to a new blog, and keep that up just for my own personal use. I hate watering down my true thoughts and feeling to appease everyone (something I've always done and has gotten me absolutely nowhere). If you would like an invitation to read that blog, just let me know and I will hook you up. Be warned, though - you may NOT like what you read, and I honestly don't give a fuck so ask at your own risk.

I'll post one last baby update here and then it's lights out.

I'm about 34 weeks along. I say "about" because my due date was changed back again to Dec. 18, kind of at my own request because I didn't want to be bullied into an induction just because of my so-called due date. I would rather be "early" and actually on time than be "late" but actually early....if that made any sense.

I've gained 40 lbs. People say I look small for as pregnant as I am and while that makes me feel a little better, I know the real number and it ain't cute. 40 lbs is a lot. Not a whole lot, but more than I should have gained and I still have a month and a half to go. I think - no - I know I ate too much sugary shit. I did it with reckless abandon and a sense of entitlement with a healthy dose of self-pity on the side. That's OK because I really do plan on and believe that I will lose the weight and maybe even be healthier after Waylon is born. My vitals have been perfect my entire pregnancy so just being a little chubbier is not that big of a deal.

Speaking of Waylon, he is an active little feller. He has definite periods of rest and playtime. Usually he really likes to play right when I'm settling in for bed and I have to lay there and wait it out. He's doing his baby aerobics or something - feels like he's performing a broadway musical and my belly jumps and rolls for a good hour. Sometimes I swear it feels like he's looking for the way out.

I'll be starting my weekly appointments the second week of November. Baby will be full-term in 3 weeks so I could pop him out anytime after then and he would be perfectly OK. Well, even if he came out now, he'd be fine. I went over my all-natural birth plan with my midwife and everything is a GO. Yes, I AM doing this all-natural, not because I am naive, brainwashed, a hippie, or anything other than being informed. I don't give a flying fuck whether or not anyone thinks I am silly for doing it or if they think I can't. That just means YOU are ignorant and weak. Roll your eyes, see if I care.

Well, that's about it for baby updates. Everything else is personal and offensive. Good-bye!

It's a boy!

I'm writing this 2 days after finding out the baby's gender but better late than never I suppose. I had all but abandoned this blog because it just seems like a waste of time but then I decided it would be nice to just keep it as a personal pregnancy diary to look back on later.

My first ultrasound was Tuesday, Aug 9. I was very excited about it up until about the day before when I suddenly got just really worried. I didn't expect that to happen. I couldn't sleep a wink the night before, I felt like I was waiting for Santa Claus to come give me a final exam or something. Nervous, nervous & excited, what a stressful mix of emotions. Anyways, I was worried the doc would tell me that the baby had a deformity and I would have to deal with a disabled child for the rest of my life.

Chris had to work so he couldn't come with me. I pretty much had nobody to go with, so I called Nana and asked her if she wanted to come. She did. Which made me feel sooooooo much better. I don't think I couldn't handled any bad news on my own, not with all the other shit going on right now. I cried on the way to pick up Nana, I was so damn scared. But she made me feel better. It sucks how when life beats you down, you lose all your confidence and don't even realize it until you're a mess. Luckily, Nana is a strong lady and it rubbed off on me just enough to act normal for my ultrasound appointment.

The office was empty. We had virtually no wait. Nana and I chatted about girly things like pap smears and having babies. She told me how fast her births went, it seemed like it was easy peasy for her. Then we got called in and the girl had me lay on the table and squirted cold gel on my stomach and went right to business. It was cool cause they had a flat screen TV on the wall and we watched the amazing video of the baby.

First of all, I was struck by how well defined the baby was. You could clearly make out the head, belly, spine, arms, legs, feet and hands were all there and clearly defined. I could even see the mouth and nose and eyes! Right off the bat, though - we got the money shot and the technician quickly asked if I wanted to know the baby's gender. I sure did! It was a boy! I honestly thought I would break down and cry no matter what gender I was told but to my surprise I was just plain HAPPY. No tears.

I didn't wanna say anything out loud, but I saw the penis and thought, OMG - is it supposed to be that big already? Highly inapporpriate, I know but still, I know his daddy would have been proud if he saw that. So the little feller didn't really want to be examined and everytime the tech got a good shot of him, he would turn over. He was stretched out from one side of my stomach to the other. She measured his head, heart, arms & legs. I saw his cute little feet together on one end and his fists up by his head at the other end. He almost looked as if he was lounging in bed, like Chris does, with his head reasting on his arm. He is perfectly healthy. Had all his parts in working order, with a strong heartbeat. He weighs 1 lb. 1 oz at 22 weeks and 1 day old.

That was the other news - I was actually further along than previously thought. We originally had a due date of Dec. 19th and I thought I would probably have a cusp or christmas baby. But our due date is now Dec. 12th. Waylon is in the 80th percentile which Vicki found out means that he is bigger than 80 out of 100 babies and smaller than 20. So he is a very good size and not underweight. LOL not MY baby - there's no chance of my baby being underweight as long as I'm around.

I was so damn happy. I was trying not to grin like a fool. I was even happier cause I knew Chris would be really happy it was a boy, that's what we both wanted very badly. I thought about torturing Chris a bit and making him wait until after work to tell him the gender but he called me while Nana and I were having lunch. He sounded rushed and told me his phone was dying (should have charged it the night before big news, but he's just not that thoughtful). I told him I forgot to ask what the gender of the baby was and he was like, Dammit woman, tell me what the baby is! I told him it was a boy - he got what he wanted. Immediately I oculd hear his voice got all choked up and I thought he was going to start crying but then he quickly got off the phone saying he had to go...

That made me even happier. Chris was so happy he got all emotional at work LOL!! I am so glad that I could break such wonderful news to him, the kind of news that overshadows anything bad for a while and brighten up his day.

I brought home the ultrasound photos and the DVD (which was disappointingly short) and told Chris all about the ultrasound. He is a proud papa. We are very very happy. Chris spent the rest of the evening telling all his friends and family all about it.

So, now officially - little Waylon James Thomas Harmon is waiting to be born.

Steady Beat

My first prenatal appointment in Texas was pretty quick and painless. I was in a grouchy mood that day, had to fix the tire on the Mazda at the last minute, then go straight to work after the appointment. I was not looking forward to a pelvic exam in between all that but luckily one wasn't necessary. I just basically spoke to the midwife (who coincidentally just moved from Atlanta) and listened to the baby's heartbeat on Doppler. This time I didn't break down crying, thank god, but it was still thrilling to hear. It was a steady, strong beat at 140 bpm. I now weigh 183 lbs, up 18 pounds since getting pregnant.

I do have to wait 3 more weeks for my ultrasound, on August 9th. If we bring $5 we can have a dvd made of the ultrasound, which I really want to get. It will be my very first ultrasound, after all. Can't wait to find out what we are having!

I've been having muscle spasms under my right eye for the past few days which is driving me absolutely batshit. I also got a wicked sunburn from working outside on a roofing project with Chris, which made sleeping quite uncomfortable. I am feeling the baby move more often, sometimes it kicks me quite rudely and I want to thump it back! I can't even imagine what it'll be like getting kicked by a 6 lb baby from the inside, it'll probably hurt!

It's ALIVE!!

I felt the baby move for the first time! It happened early Tuesday morning, as I was waking up. Usually when I wake up, I am semi-conscious for a little while before I finally drag my butt out of bed. I was kind of laying on my stomach, thinking about getting up when I felt the funniest fluttery kind of movement right under my belly button. It made me laugh out loud! It gave me the mental image of a little midget doing bicycle pedaling motions up the inside wall of my uterus. When I laughed out loud, Chris asked me what was so funny and I told him I felt the baby move and he didn't really say much to that, I think he thinks I'm just being goofy or something. But whatever, it made me laugh and feel good for a while. Later on that day I thought I felt the same kind of movement, but this time off to my left side a little bit so I'm not entirely sure it was the baby, but it felt like the same fluttery pedaling kick. However, since then I haven't felt anything. I have a feeling though that this is going to be a morning baby.

And I'm seriously considering the name Miyong if it's a girl. Her nickname will be Miya. Middle name may possibly be Destiny (Chris's idea). I think it's kind of tacky but whatever, I'm not entirely opposed to it. One of the names that was real popular with my name poll is Jocelyn. I'm not entirely sold on it yet though. It may have to grow on me for a while. I still like the name Melody, too...hmmm..

Haven't had much time or access to the Internet lately but since today is July 4th and we got the house to ourselves I thought I'd take some time to update. Chris has been working his butt off but since we are so broke it seems like we just can't get ahead. But we are pushing along anyways. I finally got a job offer as a front desk clerk at La Quinta Inns, which is minimum wage but definitely better than nothing. I'll be working 3 days a week, 8 hour shifts. It's gonna be tricky getting us both back and forth to work with one car but we will manage. I'm just really really happy to have a job!

I've been mostly doing administrative stuff for me and Chris lately. The kind of stuff that I never get any credit for but the world probably just wouldn't turn without it. I've also been doing more relaxing "me" kind of stuff, too like taking free prenatal yoga classes at Destination Maternity, going to the library (to do research on jobs, childbirth, parenting, local businesses, etc) and visiting Chris's family (and falling asleep on their couches). I got Chris a free new pair of glasses since he broke his. I've been clipping coupons like crazy and trying to save every dime I can. I found places we can take our car to get fixed for a good deal. I also found a midwife in San Antonio that accepts Medicaid and will deliver my baby at St. Luke's Baptist Hospital. I'm going to arrange a tour at the hospital as soon as I can. I've also found a bunch of free events that involve the baby or getting to know the area better. Basically, if it's free - I'm there.

I've been devouring books on childbirth and parenting and health and nutrition. I'm collecting recipes and tips like a packrat. I have notes that I keep in my little notebook on everything from household budgets to make-ahead freezer meals and everything domestic in-between. I just can't wait until Chris and I can get a place (however modest) on our own so I can get ready for the baby.

My sister sent me an awesome book on natural healing remedies and nutrition for the baby. I've already read half the book. Chris's mom gave me a copy of What to Expect when you're expecting book and I have a couple other books I got from the library. I'm preparing myself as best I can without going to actual childbirth classes (because those aren't free).

I have gotten the reaction I expected from those who I have told that I am trying for a natural childbirth. It seems that everyone thinks that childbirth is incredibly painful and must be anesthetized. Well, duh - childbirth IS painful, I'm not going into this thinking there will be no pain. But I'm pretty confident that I can handle it. It may sound naive, but I know my body is designed to do it and I trust that. I think that the pain of natural birth is worth the payoff of a healthy baby and unless things go incredibly wrong, I owe it to myself and my baby to do it as naturally as possible. The only thing I can't really avoid is the circumcision procedure if we end up with a boy. Chris and I both agree that he will be circumcised even though I really hate to put the poor baby through that. But that is a compromise I will make. In exchange, I will do my best to prevent him (or her) from having a forceps or vacuum delivery and being all doped up on meds. I also plan to breastfeed, and hopefully I will be able to do that successfully. I had no idea that it could be complicated and difficult but even if it is trying, I will do my best to breastfeed my kid without using formula.

In the meantime, I am just trying to be extra vigilant with my diet and vitamins, even though I am such a total slacker. I know I eat too many sweets, and haven't been taking my calcium and iron like I should. I'm also probably drinking more caffeine than I should. Bad bad me. I'm trying, I really am.

Well, hopefully once I start my job this week we can actually start putting away some money towards an apartment. We figure it will cost us around $2200.00 to get started with a new place, after deposits & utilities, etc. I really really hope we can get a place by September. We just have to, otherwise I think we'll both go crazy!

Texas, finally!

Well, it's been a few days since we got into Texas and this is the first time I've really had a chance to get online. It was very scary when we got onto the road leaving Atlanta with my 1997 Mazda MPV Sport loaded down and hitched to a 5 x 8 u-haul trailer. We did do one smart thing: we got a nice, custom trailer hitch for the Mazda. What we messed up on was taking the chance that the old cruddy tires on the Mazda would take us 1,000 miles hauling probably about 5,000 lbs. It was a little nerve wracking to say the least, when I pulled out onto the road and it felt like the car just didn't have the strength to go. But it did. We were so tense leaving Atlanta, I honestly didn't think we were gonna make it. I expected to get into a huge wreck and be stranded in the middle of nowhere. I had a death grip on the wheel the entire way to Texas, so my whole body was just tense as a bowstring.

We thought we were home-free when we stopped in Montgomery, Alabama. It was our first planned long rest stop, which we rested for a good 20 minutes before we got too anxious to wait any longer. I couldn't drive the Mazda any faster than 60 mph, had to put it down a gear just to make it up a hill at 45 mph. Then, just when we started to relax a little with a little hope that we might actually make it, the rear passenger tire gave out with a bang and I had to pull over to the side of I-65, about 30 miles south of Montgomery.

I have a AAA Plus membership (Auto Club South) that didn't really do us much good. They could tow us, but they couldn't take us to anyplace that was open and could fix our tire. They also couldn't bring us a tire and fix it for us either. They couldn't tow our trailer (which Chris was not about to leave on the side of the interstate), so they were pretty much useless to our situation. Luckily, the AAA customer service girl looked up a local tire service shop in Montgomery that could come out and fix our tire, but they weren't covered by AAA so it would be entirely out of pocket. We had no choice. I called up Black's Tire Service and they came out in about an hour with two new back tires for us. The guys that came out were pretty backwoods, but they got the job done and we were grateful. And now broke.

Other than that, we made it to San Antonio with just a drop of gas left in our tank and throughly exhausted. But we made it, and we were finally happy and relieved. Even though I am still exhausted 3 days later, I feel like a new person and I am so much happier! We are staying with my brother-in-law until we find a place and it's been nice getting here while my nieces are here visiting their father. We spent last night at Chris's sisters house in Boerne and it was very nice to see how happy Chris was to see his family again after a year of being away. His nieces were excited about meeting Bibi and the cat, which we left the cat with them. We also visited with Chris's mom, who was happy to see her son and me again. It was all a very nice welcome home!

I don't really have a lot of time and access to the internet at the moment so I wont be blogging very much for the time being so the posts may get a little sparse, but I will update as much as I can.

About the pregnancy; hopefully I didn't permanently screw up my kid from all the caffeine I consumed on the way here, but it sure is growing cause I am getting FAT!!!

Super Hectic last days

Just got home from doing a ton of last minute stuff around town. We are so exhausted but I am soooo happy I got to see my friends Liz, Crispin & Millie and my sister one last time before we left. Liz cooked us a full gourmet meal of baked chicken, salad, buttery garlicky mussels, sourdough bread and an ice cream cake to celebrate Crispin's birthday. Oh, and 4 whole heads of roasted elephant garlic to smear on everything!! It was a fabulous meal, and I am so glad we got to share it. She also let me make rice crispy treats and bake cookies in her kitchen for our road trip to Texas.

I had my phone interview with Texas Medicaid and the very friendly gentleman said i was all signed up and ready to go with my benefits going active on July 1st. Yippee!! Being pro-active really pays off, and it's a survival necessity in this day and age. The only problem is, he needs copies of my birth certificate (which I don't have), my Social Security card (which I don't have), my Georgia Medicaid termination letter (which I don't have - yet), and my pregnancy verification form (which I actually have!!). So we went downtown to the Health Dept. to get my birth certificate right before they closed and of course it wasn't that easy. She had my certificate in her hand but wouldn't give it to me because my last name changed from my stepfather's surname to my mother's surname. Which only made me angrier at my mom for wanting me to have her surname after I graduated from college. Oh yes, up until I proved myself it was OK for me to have his last name, but she's got to cash in on some of that prestige once I became an "architect".

So that's gonna be a hassle. But I can handle it, hopefully.

I felt fat and ugly all day, Its because I've barely had time to wash my face today after all the packing, loading and running errands. It was nice to take a break and hang out in the middle of it all, though. I am really gonna miss my friends and my sister.

My mom took a quick dig at me when Chris stopped in to get some cash from her so we could pay for gas and a birth certificate. She said something like she couldn't believe her daughter was on welfare. Which I'm not. It's insurance. Whatever, she can take all the digs she wants it wont affect me anymore.

So.. tomorrow we head out. Hopefully the earlier the better. I have to go to the WIC office and do a few last minute things and clean. Then it's off to Texas with the Beep, Meow, Papa & Me.

I can see the future...and it shall be.

I spend a lot of time visualizing. In fact, I had it down to an art at a very very early age, due to lack of stimulation, boredom and just plain depression. I used to visualize all kind of crazy stuff, from being a rock-star to a ninja assassin, a bakery owner to a super-rich celebrity. I would dream up fantasies in my head and escape the real world and it was comforting. Most of the time though, I visualize just a regular happy life. Mundane details that make me happy and feel secure. Like being able to have a routine. Any kind of routine would be nice, but in order to have one and really keep it, your life has to have some kind of predictability in it, and mine almost never has. It's quite tiring.

So now that I'm essentially turning over a new leaf, I am going to resolve to form healthy routines. It's going to be my new path to stability and having a functional life. I also think it's incredibly important to establish routines for my kid, too. It's a form of comfort and security, something that I never really had and knowing the value of it now, will provide to my kid as a #1 priority.

First off, a routine that facilitates a healthy life. I'm going to take Bibi for a 15 minute walk every morning, wearing my toning sneakers and listening to whatever kind of relaxing music I feel like listening to that day. I love the Gayatri Mantra but sometimes it's so powerful I get too emotional and I can't have some kind of emotional release while I'm trying to walk the dog. So maybe just some Bach or Mozart. I also really need to get a handle on my vitamins. Ugh I hate them but it's not an option anymore, they are a requirement. I am also going to join the YMCA or a gym so I can go swimming and maybe take an exercise class now and then.

Secondly, I need to really work on doing something I enjoy on a regular basis. I haven't been able to keep a hobby in a long time. I love pottery but it's expensive. Gardening is too time consuming and can get expensive, too. I think I am going to plunge myself into sewing, because I have a machine, a collection of patterns, and a bunch of fabric that I've just been hauling around just in case one day I have the time and inclination to sew. Besides, I have baby stuff to make now!

Thirdly, and this is gonna be tough cause I'm super lazy, but I need to really pamper myself with a beauty regimen, too. There are women out there who get their hair and nails done on a weekly basis and I barely wash my face on a regular basis. I'm going to really try to take care of my skin, hair and nails better, so I can look good and feel better about myself.

Once the baby gets here, I will have no choice but to establish a feeding/sleeping schedule. I'm not going to force one, but I think it's important to foster good habits like breakfast in the morning, walks regularly and bedtime.

So that's what I'm going to aim for, security, comfort & stability with routines. I'll do more research on this subject, too of course! I love the internet & books!

I hate you, milk!

So yesterday morning I decided to have a bowl of lactose-free milk with Kix cereal (all from WIC) and have regretted it ever since. Now, I can't substantially blame it ALL on the milk, but I'm pretty damn sure it's the main culprit for my upset stomach, gas and diarrhea for the past 24 non-stop hours. I also get sick like this when I'm stressed out, like on a deadline for a project (which I haven't had in over 2 years now). I haven't been able to sleep at night, mostly just from the anticipation of everything going on. I think and plan and write lists in my head while Chris sleeps peacefully all night and spends the day playing games on the computer. Grrr. It must be nice to be a man.

Bibi was in a lot of pain for a few days and could barely walk. I think her pain was from stress too, which stressed me out even more. Thankfully she seems better since yesterday. I just want to get everything done and over with. Playing the waiting game is driving me nuts, but now that a few things have come together, I have a pretty solid plan that will land us in San Antonio by next Wednesday.

Today we will get the tow hitch installed on the Mazda, which we picked up from the shop in Commerce yesterday. It seems to be running OK, but the van needs some serious TLC asap. Hopefully we wont kill it on the way to Texas, hauling a 5'x8' trailer. The tow hitch is going to be expensive, but we are looking at it as an investment for future moves. I will also have to reserve our U-haul trailer online today. I'll also have to sneak downstairs to my mom's place while she isn't there to print out a few things on her printer and email myself a bunch of CAD files that I worked on. Lastly, we have a bunch of stuff to sell on Craigslist, and hopefully it will sell cause we really really need that cash.

Then tomorrow and Sunday I have to see about getting auto insurance for the Mazda and a new checking account with USAA in Texas. I will clean out both the Mazda and the Blazer and hopefully Chris will volunteer (yeah right) to do a check-up on the Mazda and see if he can spot any potential issues with the car. I also have to finish packing and get rid of all the stuff we are throwing away and/or giving to Goodwill.

On Monday we will pick up our U-Haul trailer and pack it. I have to go to the bank and close the checking account and return all the keys that I will no longer need to my mom. Then I will bake cookies and rice crispy treats for the ride to Texas on Tuesday.

Tuesday morning I will likely end up spending hours in the WIC office, getting the paperwork to transfer my vouchers to Texas. Hopefully they will let me get something other than damned milk. I ought to drink some milk before I go in and gas the place so they'll know I'm not kidding when I say milk makes me sick, you assholes.

It will take us approximately 16-18 hours to get to San Antonio, and around 5-7 gas fill-ups. I kind of want to leave late in the evening when there's little traffic and it's cooler but it all depends on my physical state on Tuesday. I may come home from the WIC office and take a nice long nap (if my mind/body will allow it) and then leave Atlanta before rush hour traffic hits. So about 4 pm. Or maybe after rush hour traffic, around 7 pm. Which would land us in San Ant around 1 in the afternoon. I have made this drive before and let me tell you, I will not be a cheerful person when we arrive. Of course, I wont be driving towards people who stress me out, like I did when I drove from Texas to Atlanta exactly a year ago with Chris. Maybe I will be in a good mood when I get there, but undoubtedly exhausted.

WIC is a joke.

I had my WIC appointment today, finally. I scheduled it over a month ago. I honestly don't think I would have bothered getting WIC at all if I knew beforehand that all I would be getting was milk. I'm lactose intolerant so that doesn't really help me much.

I'm also drastically low on iron, which I sort of knew would be the case because I'm horrible at remembering when and what vitamins to take with or without food however many times a day. I think I need to hire an assistant to help me manage my vitamin regimen.

I went over to Liz's after the 4 hour long WIC appointment and scored yet more free stuff for the dog (hers recently passed away) and some work clothes for Chris. I also got a cute pink maternity top. We went to Trader's joes and I got these AMAZING freeze dried mango slices which are fantastic. I remember when I thought Trader Joes was cheap! We reminisced about how we used to spend money like it was water, going out for sushi 3-5 times a week, shopping at the organic grocery stores and going out to the movies like every weekend. Now I'm reduced to WIC approved foods, canned tuna, the clearance and sale aisle at Kroger and $3 pirated movies from the guy on the street. It's amazing how one's life can change in just a few short years. I wish I could blame someone for it and beat the shit out of them.

My appetite has dwindled considerably. I don't really have cravings anymore and I can't tell if it's just hormonal or because of being at the cafe and eating that stuff all the time. My body is tired of eating. Now I just want fresh fruits and vegetables and water. Which is great. I might even start exercising. Liz suggested that I go for a walk with headphones and listen to relaxing music to reduce my stress. I think it's a good idea. I want to get myself a pair of those Reebok shoes that work your butt out while you walk. I desperately need a butt.

The baby (according to my weekly newsletter) is now the size of a plum, and has fully developed ears and can hear me talking and singing. You know what Chris says to that little tidbit? "Great, I bet he's in there holding his ears shut, tired of listening to you bitch". I have a feeling that I will end up nagging Chris more than I ever will the kid. Chris has a lot of growing up to do, he's like a 12 year old in a man's body sometimes. I wish he would just do stuff without me asking/telling him to do it, but noooo... I have to nag first. He's gotten a lot better, though so it's just going to take patience on my part. I like to think of it as a team effort.

I was up last night at about 1:20 am and couldn't sleep so up until 4:30 am I surfed the internet and applied for Medicaid in Texas, applied to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist (which is becoming apparent that it's pointless cause nobody replies and half of them end up being scams to get your info), looked for an apartment (another attempt in futility), searched for midwives in San Ant, and did a lot of stumbling. At least I got one thing accomplished: I applied for Medicaid in Texas.

I'm pooped. I painted my toes and fingernails a very girly bright pink and I think I am going to eat a bunch of strawberries in bed. I feel sooo spoiled!

Muahahahahahaha!

I really shouldn't be enjoying watching the demise of Cafe O, but I can't help it. It's like not being able to rip your eyes away from a train wreck. That doesn't mean I don't feel any remorse, guilt and pity at the whole situation because I do. I'm just not going to let it be the overwhelming majority of my emotions because I just don't owe that to anyone anymore.

So my mother decided to open the cafe all by herself on Monday, which I knew she would do. She likes to try and prove to people how so easy things are that she can do it all by herself. Except she was utterly failing at running the restaurant, and in my honest opinion, will continue to run the cafe into the ground with each passing day.

It started off with her not knowing how to use the cash register, which let me tell you, was a BITCH to figure out for me and Chris in the first place. If you want to stress yourself the fuck out, go read a cash register manual. I had to program that sonofabitch and then teach myself how to use it correctly. Of course, she doesn't have the patience or ability to do that, so she just wanted to be shown how to work it. I wrote her a quick one-page tutorial and emailed it to her! hahahaha!

Chris, being the good-hearted man that he is, went over to help out a little bit and it was obvious she really wanted him to stay and help her out. Which he did, to my annoyance. But I can't blame him, he's not as fed up with her as I am and he's a nice guy. He had to show her how to make everything, even though it's pretty damn simple and self-explanatory AND we had to figure it all out from scratch ourselves. Do you think I knew how to turn on, much less USE a commercial deep fryer? Hell No! I almost blew myself up trying to work the damn thing. Oh, and I bet she's really enjoying having to use a prep table that's broken and having to run back and forth to get cold items out of the fridge to prepare it for the customer while they wait.

At one point I was asked how many strawberries go into a smoothie and what is on a greek salad. I could just picture her there, trying to do all this with the customers that we have to deal with (not exactly the politest people sometimes) watching and waiting. Chris told me that many of our regulars walked out. I know she's lost a good bit of our clientele because A) She was out of a lot of food because we didn't have the money to re-stock. and B) We actually made friends with our repeat customers and they LIKED us. C) We know what they like, how they like it, and much of the time, will actually hand-deliver it to them if they are busy and need to get back to their shop. I know my mother can't handle any of that.

Then this is the kicker. This is why I see all this happening and actually feel kind of smug deep down inside my heart. Because I actually worked hard to get this place up and running, and not only that but SUCCESSFULLY, with hardly any money at all. It took a lot of creativity, thought and planning and stress to pull off the kind of restaurant we had. I planned the shit out of that menu. And the whole time, all my mom did was criticize and tell me how I had to put whatever the customer wants on the menu if I want to be successful. I had to do whatever it took to please them to build a clientele, and that was how to be a business owner. She liked to say, "Welcome to the Business world" like I just didn't know what the hell I was doing. Which, for the most part, I didn't. I had to learn as I went, the hard way. NO HELP. At the same time, she would tell me how I had to manage my business so that I would attract the right people, bring decent people with money into the ghetto so the place would improve. A little bit contradictory from the whole "please everyone no matter what it takes" philosophy, isn't it? I pretty much stuck to my guns, kept my menu the way it was, with some small changes to reflect what people were liking. Basically, it boiled down to, she wanted me to serve fried rice. Almost every time she came in, she would tell me to put fried rice on the menu. I was absolutely dead set against it. Why? Because you can get fried rice at about 15 different greasy chinese takeout restaurants within a 3 block radius of my cafe. Because that's what the crackheads come in and ask for, at least one crackhead per day comes in there, looks at my menu and asks me, "you got scrimp fried rice?"

If I were to put fried rice on my menu, 2 things would surely happen. 1.) I would be attracting all the kinds of people that I wasn't supposed to be attracting. namely, the ghetto crackheads that only eat wings and rice. 2.) Next thing they would ask for is egg rolls and Mongolian beef and broccoli chicken to go along with their scrimp fried rice and within a month the cafe would turn into yet another greasy Chinese takeout restaurant in the ghetto. Which is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I was trying to accomplish with the cafe. It's fundamentally ANTI-Chinese food.

So what does Chris tell me when he gets back from helping out my mom at the cafe? That she's getting set up to serve fried rice. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Good fucking luck with that, Mother! Ms. successful business woman of the fucking ghetto. I HOPE she starts serving fried rice, because the downward spiral that will happen really quickly after that will serve the bitch right. It will be my revenge, and her own self-fulfilling prophecy. I can just smell the caked-on grease now. Speaking of caked-on grease, you have no idea how hard it is to remove 6 years of Chinese takeout restaurant grease from every surface, equipment, and utensil from the restaurant. We know, because we had to do it! I hope she buys herself a wok and becomes a slave to it. MAYBE then, just maybe, she will think to herself, "wow, Heather and Chris we actually doing a good job by themselves". Cause we did. Chris and I were doing an excellent job running that place, just the two of us. We made a great menu that everyone (minus the crackheads) absolutely LOVED. That's why we saw the same people come in every single day, sometimes several times a day.

I intentionally created a menu that nobody else in the neighborhood had, and that's what made us popular. We had absolutely NO BUDGET for advertising, but the word of mouth spread like fire and we were getting people in from across town that had heard about us. Now all of that is going to go down the drain, and the people I feel bad for is our customers, who were so happy to see something new and fresh finally in the ghetto. I know I let them down, but I made my choice and I don't regret it one bit. I know now what I am capable of, and that's all I need. The proof was in the pudding in this case and I actually didn't need my mom's appraisal to feel like I did a good job. What's happening now is the best proof of what a good job I did that I need, and that's why the demise of the cafe makes me feel like the cat that swallowed the canary. Guilty, but deeply satisfied.

eating chocolate in bed!

I had been upset for several days so my face is all puffy but it's nothing that a little bit of chocolate and a sweet boyfriend can't fix!